The fear of getting what you said you wanted.

The truth is, i’ve been there before, and perhaps, that decision still hunts me today.

I married, out of fear. Fear that I couldn’t take care of myself and that no one else would do it.

I also married out of revenge to my last true love affair.

Doesn’t matter.

Anyways, so here I am, about to visit a nice young man who has a million things going for him. This will be our second try. He blames himself for it not working out the first time, I mostly blame myself, or at least take responsibility (with no real regret).

I let him go. On my birthday.

Yes I had other options, but I always have. A strong phenomena.

I can’t remember why I broke up with him the first time. Was I looking for better and didn’t find it? Or was I disappointed in him. Did something happen to turn me off?

 

Of course, he didn’t drive me back home. That was not good.

But truthfully, I was crazy anyway. So who cares. None of it made sense; it still does not.

 

Here am I, constantly announcing I want children. And someone is very directly answering me that I am going to have all that I want, and I already mourn my freedom, my independence, my lack of time to pursue any passion or career.

My every decision hunts me.

I also don’t think I am who I wanted to be before children. But children might make me brave, feel complete. It might be just what I need.

I almost feel guilty that I want children more than to focus on who “the man of my dreams” is suppose to be. I use to focus on my relationships, dates, men, then suddenly, it didn’t matter as much as finding the right father of my future children.

 

And I move too fast. I don’t actually know what he will be like.

He’s very wrong to say I want them right now.

I’m not interested in it.

God do I want to be with him at all? Or am I just freaking out.

wtf do I want. GAWD.

I wish I had more motivation, focus, and guts. No excuses. Really go for it.

Where and how can I get that drive?

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